In the words of Matt Kahn: “Despite how open, peaceful, and loving you attempt to be, people can only meet you as deeply as they’ve met themselves.”
I found myself living this truth recently. I gave feedback to someone very dear to me, but my words were turned back on me. I was told that I might be acting like a “main character,” or that perhaps my thoughts were rooted in envy or even depression. For a moment, I was stunned — jaw on the floor — and my mind nearly thought I would go Marcus and Kevin against the Vandergelds.
But then I remembered Matt Kahn’s words, and instead of anger, I felt understanding. This person has openly shared that they are still working on their emotions, still learning to navigate them with more calmness. Their response to me was not so much a reflection of who I am, but rather where they are in their own process.
Even now, I see how emotional this person still feels about it, sometimes overthinking as if my feedback had shaken the very core of our relationship. And I understand that, because I used to react in the same way. Receiving feedback can stir up so many feelings, especially when we’re still learning how to process it without slipping into assumptions or spirals of overthinking. My hope is that they find their own way of moving through those emotions, with kindness towards themselves.
I care deeply for this person, and I recognise that we are simply at different stages of understanding right now. That’s okay. With time, patience, and honesty, I believe we’ll be able to meet in a place of calm reflection — where feedback isn’t seen as an attack, but as part of growth. Because when emotions take over, they can easily blow things out of proportion, sometimes even leading us into all-or-nothing thinking (a cognitive distortion I’d like to explore more in a future entry).
Ultimately, Matt Kahn’s words remind me that in our relationships, the roles aren’t fixed. Sometimes we are the ones who can only meet others as deeply as we’ve met ourselves, and sometimes we are the ones extending that depth. It’s not about superiority or inferiority — it’s about compassion, and remembering that we are all learning.